Tuesday, September 1, 2009

When what I have becomes what I am

I suffer from depression. There are times when I forget, even as I take my purple pill each morning. Then there are the times where what I have overtakes me and and seems to swallow me up. I become depressed.

Today I am just a person suffering from depression. A few days ago, I was depressed and had been depressed for quite some time. The symptoms of my illness seem to be much worse when I am about to have a "visitor" and while this "visitor" is present. Some people refer to this visitor as "Aunt Flo(w)", and I will leave it at that. Unfortunately, since having Jori, I am a hormonal wreck and am often "visited" several times a month, even though I am on the pill. (TMI?? Sorry, but it is what it is.)

When I am depressed I have a hard time getting out of bed. I consider cleaning the toilets a MAJOR victory and don't even attempt to clean up any other part of the house. I will often avoid the people closest to me, because it takes too much energy to be happy. I cry. A lot. I stay in my pjs for much of the day, sometimes for the whole day if I can get away with it. My family eats a lot of cereal, sandwiches, and frozen pizza for dinner. These are the "minor" things.

The major things are that I have a very hard time feeling connected to God and my relationship with my family, especially my kids, goes down the drain. I become irritable, angry, frustrated, anxious, mean, tired, and sad. Because I deal with being depressed several times a month I don't ever feel like I really get any of those relationships right. I try, and sometimes make a some headway, and then a couple days later I end up back in my bed, wishing I never had to get up.

So, why tell you all ("all" being the 5 of you that read this blog) that I often feel like a total mess? For one, I know that several of you often feel this very same way. That makes it not so hard to talk about. I also wanted to kind of lay the groundwork for other posts that I may write (or have already written, but never posted) about what my struggle looks like. I have a feeling Fee Fey Foe Fum is going to be the next big blog. Depressing stories about my life and couponing, a pretty awesome combination!!

10 comments:

Kara said...

All I can say is I love your friendship and I am praying that you can move forward from this. I think of you often!

JZ said...

I am sending hugs your way and will give you a big one on Saturday!!! I'm thinking of you...

Anonymous said...

you are loved, my sweet friend. thanks for your honesty.

Anonymous said...

I love your honesty and openness with your life. You are a sweet, caring, compassionate, loving, wife, mother and friend. Lots of love and prayers Juli

Anonymous said...

Jonna Mich... love you to the moon and back... hey..at least you are cleaning your toilets.. ( : if you saw mine you would never stop crying.. Seriously though... YOU are chosen holy and dearly loved.. moment by moment, day by day... hour by hour... hang in there girlie... your couponing sis loves you... you are a child of GOD

Amy said...

Depression really stinks but is fortunately something people are more open about talking about. Thanks for sharing. It is helpful to me as poor mental health runs in my family. I actually struggle more with anxiety than depression, but I have had some dark times in my life when I was battling both. I will pray for you and hope you can find healing and strength.

Victoria Haveman said...

Thank you for this post. I went thru a terrible time with depression and eating disorders and I think people hide this too much. If we were all honest we would see how many people actually suffer from this. I will pray for you and this in specific. Please keep coming to moms group when you can, even in your pjs :) I love getting to know you and your beautiful children.

Sarah said...

This post stirs up a lot of memories. Thanks for your openness. I'm here to walk through this with you.

Anonymous said...

I pray today is a good one and that the good days outnumber the bad. We love you so very much...JRJJ

Alyssa and Ron said...

Great post. I too tend to open up a lot in blogging but it seems to be one place I can let it out. (For the world to see? Yeah, weird I know). I have had a glimpse into depression (post partum) but suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, mostly since my son was born almost 4 yra ago. Knowing all we are facing now it tends to all fall into place. For this I say, Being real is hard fro people to do. Being open about the struggles you go through are hard. It's nice when I read another mothers blog and see that I am so much NOT alone. Thanks for posting this although it was a while ago.
PS Your dad was just at Sunnyslope a few months ago. I met your sister and mother. I know Laurie and Colby's cousin Trish has been my very best friend for over 16 years. I will keep following your blog. Adorable kids too. :)