I've been sorting through some stuff around the house and I came across a piece of paper with some song lyrics on it. No, it wasn't a song that I had written in my youth, but rather one of my favorites from Amy Grant. Growing up, we had a couple Amy Grant records, and I can remember getting the record all set up on the player (carefully so I wouldn't scratch it) and then laying on my stomach in our living room (now your living room, Amy T.) and chilling to some Amy Grant. Unless of course the song "Sing Your Praise to the Lord" was on. Then I was dancing all around the room to that awesome opening music. Good times.
Back to the piece of paper I found. Here are the words that were written on it:
When the weight of all my dreams is resting heavy on my head- and the thoughtful words of help and hope, have all been nicely said. But I'm still hurting, wondering if I'll ever be the one I think I am-I think I am.
Then You gently re-remind me that you've made me from the first. And the more I try to be the best, the more I get the worst. And I realize the good in me is only there because of who You are-who You are.
And all I ever have to be is what You've made me. Any more or less would be a step out of Your plan. As you daily recreate me help me always keep in mind, that I only have to do what I can find. And all I ever have to be, all I have to be, all I ever have to be, is what You've made me.
WOW! I must have realized that these words were something special to have written them in one of my notebooks, but even today as a grown woman they kind of make me teary, in a good kind of way. As you may have read before here or on other posts, I have my struggles with insecurity. After going through a lot of "childhood memories" lately, I've realized that this is not a new phenomenon for me.
This afternoon I watched a video with my kids. It was from my high school graduation "after party". There was some business there that provided dress up clothes, instruments and back up music and then you could lip sync a song with a group of friends and they'd make a video for you to keep as a souvenir. So we're watching this video and I hated it. I hated seeing myself. All of my friends were being goofy and having fun, and I was trying to look good-you know, cool, but fun. And instead of just being myself I was trying to get other people to do things with me, like "let's do the can-can" or "hey let's do a little shimmy here". Totally unnatural, and totally not cool or fun. It kind of made me ill seeing myself. I recently reread a bunch of journals I had kept in high school and I was a basket case. Seriously. I was so paranoid about what other people thought about me, about who was friends with who, when I was going to get a boyfriend, trying to be cooler than my friends and then feeling like I was cooler than all my friends(sorry Tami, I know now how untrue that was!!). Seriously, I don't recommend reading over things you wrote in high school, unless you were a totally secure person.
I just wish that my younger, 9 or 10 year old self, who had copied the lyrics of Amy Grant's song would have ran up to my high school self and said "Girl, get a grip. Read this. Go find that record and listen to the words. Listen to Him and what He says about you". I wish my 9 or 10 year old self would run up to me each day and shove this paper in my face and tell me the same thing.
All I ever have to be is what HE made me. If I try to be anything more, or anything less than I am not in step with His plan. He wants to recreate me each day-to mold me and make me into who He says I am and not who I think I am. I don't have to go around worrying about what this person is doing, or what that person has going on. I only have to do what I can find-the things He puts before me.
That sounds a lot better than trying to keep up with what everyone else is doing, but I know it does take some work. If it were as easy as reading the words or listening to the song, I'd have nipped this insecurity thing in the bud over 20 years ago! It is a daily process of dying to self, of capturing my thoughts before they lead me into a dark place, of reading what God says a life modeled after His Son should look like and then putting it into practice.
In the meantime, I think I'll try to track down this song so my sweet Jori (and her equally sweet brother) can listen to it now and hopefully avoid some of the pitfalls that I have made in my own life.