Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Thank you for all the kind comments and commiseration on the last post. I'd like to say I am free from all insecurity and have turned into a completely calm mother, but strangely enough, since I wrote that last post I have been feeling even more out of control. Ok, maybe it's not so strange. I know that Satan would like nothing better than for me to feel like a failure and act like a failure, so it makes sense that things have been not so great around here the last week or so.

First I almost had a full blown panic attack the other night thinking about...SUMMER BREAK. Last summer was a total nightmare for me. Like an "I almost ended up in Pine Rest because I am losing it" nightmare. A lot of this was because of my issues and "the crazy". Ok, most of the nightmare was because of those things, but it is also because of my children and their deep desire to be included in everything the neighbor kids do. A brief run down on the neighbor kids: 2 girls are in 6th grade, 1 girl is in 2nd grade and 1 boy is in 3rd grade. Then there are my kids, a kindergartner and a 3 year old. My neighbor kids (and their moms) are great, but they are kids, which means they often do things that I wish they wouldn't do. For instance, they'll tell my kids "in 20 minutes you can play with us", which might not seem like a huge deal, but when your kids still don't really have a great concept of the passing of time, it is. The neighbors also like to tattle on my kids for staring at them, or calling them names. These things are usually done during those 20 minutes that my kids are supposed to be patiently waiting.

I know I probably shouldn't let the neighbor kids stress me out so much, but they totally do. I think I worry too much about what they and their parents think about my parenting and lack of control over my children, or I start to think that my kids really are THAT bad and the neighbor kids haven't done anything to provoke them. So last summer my kids spent a lot of time inside, making me even more nutty and unstable. It was ugly. I mean I had a total breakdown in front of my neighbor, Beth, who was so kind and gracious towards me, but now I can't stop myself from thinking "She thinks I am a total nutcase" every time I see her.

Then, if you are from Michigan, you know we had this totally beautiful and sunny week last week followed by a less than stellar weekend. My kids had such a great time being outside and the extra Vitamin D did good things for me too. Then for almost 2 days we were all kind of stuck inside and it was dreary and blah. Now the sun is out again, but all the changing and adjusting to being out and staying in seems to have messed with me and my oldest. I love that boy with my whole heart, but I do not understand how his mind works. Sometimes I think that disobeying and pushing limits is what makes him tick. The past two days I have hollered so much I've given myself a headache. I've started feeling that despair and darkness creeping back in. I've said things I wish I could take back and I am sure that my mean mommy face has been out more than was necessary. I felt like we had come so far, but then I wrecked it all forgetting that I am the adult and that I need to remain in control. Poor kid.

Ugh. I know the battle isn't over yet, but sometimes I think "why am I even trying??". I don't like those times.


Amy said...

I don't know what it is, but I always get anxious about the summer! Rob and I were discussing the summer a couple days ago and I had a meltdown.

Haven't dealt with the neighbor thing, but that would stress me out too. Do you have other friends with kids your age you could meet up with at a park? That's what we do. We're still tied to nap schedule and feeding schedules.

We don't have any neighbors close by with kids. That is something I've been praying for as there's lots of houses for sale on our street. I have also heard people complain about the issues that come with neighbor friends like your own. I know I need to be content in my own circumstances because the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.

Victoria Haveman said...

I empathize with you a ton! I keep reminding myself when I feel insecure or like someone is judging me that no one has it together ALL the time. It's just not possible!! You are a wonderful woman and mom, I've seen you in action :) I can't imagine how hard it would be with the neighbor kids, we don't really have any. At least the Mom's group can help give your kids a break on Fridays this summer!!

LJFredricks said...

I wondered if you were B's neighbor! Sorry about dealing with the neighbor kids. It seems every neighborhood has issues. Not one is perfect and as far as feeling judged? I like to remind myself that people who look and judge are ignoring thier own imperfections. I mean no one is perfect so if you are taking the time to look at others and look down on them or compare yourself to them you are wasting energy on the negative. A trap 100% of woman fall into.
Also I have never seen B judge anyone, So don't worry about her!

jonna said...

Lisa-I was pretty sure there was a connection. I think she spoke of you as her only CRC friend. Quite a distinction : ) And she is great and I know it is all in my head, but sometimes it is easy to let the lies in my head drown out the truth!

Our neighborhood/street really is great. I know that the age difference plays a big part, and there isn't really anything that can be about that. I know I need to stop stressing thinking the worst and start praying and hoping for the best.

Torie-I am ready for the park days to start up again!

Amy-I used to have so many friends in the apartments and and in the house next to Joe and Helen! I hear you on needing to be more content!

LJFredricks said...

Jonna! (GASP!) I can't believe she called me that ;)

Anonymous said...

Hey.. look at it this way.. every mom feels the same way at one time or other about their kids, i have just learned to ignore about 90% of it, and deal with the rest.. that leaves me with plenty to deal with as you well know.
With 20 neighbors in our yard at a time, you just have to pick your battles.. i find my self saying, we don't talk that way, we don't leave people out, we don't want to hurt peoples feelings and hope some kid actually wants to go along with the plan, when all else fails just let carson take over and tell them they aren't allowed on your property.. it is most effective when yelled at the top of their lungs, and then he runs in the house and slam the door.. go molan's ( :