Thank you for all the kind comments and commiseration on the last post. I'd like to say I am free from all insecurity and have turned into a completely calm mother, but strangely enough, since I wrote that last post I have been feeling even more out of control. Ok, maybe it's not so strange. I know that Satan would like nothing better than for me to feel like a failure and act like a failure, so it makes sense that things have been not so great around here the last week or so.
First I almost had a full blown panic attack the other night thinking about...SUMMER BREAK. Last summer was a total nightmare for me. Like an "I almost ended up in Pine Rest because I am losing it" nightmare. A lot of this was because of my issues and "the crazy". Ok, most of the nightmare was because of those things, but it is also because of my children and their deep desire to be included in everything the neighbor kids do. A brief run down on the neighbor kids: 2 girls are in 6th grade, 1 girl is in 2nd grade and 1 boy is in 3rd grade. Then there are my kids, a kindergartner and a 3 year old. My neighbor kids (and their moms) are great, but they are kids, which means they often do things that I wish they wouldn't do. For instance, they'll tell my kids "in 20 minutes you can play with us", which might not seem like a huge deal, but when your kids still don't really have a great concept of the passing of time, it is. The neighbors also like to tattle on my kids for staring at them, or calling them names. These things are usually done during those 20 minutes that my kids are supposed to be patiently waiting.
I know I probably shouldn't let the neighbor kids stress me out so much, but they totally do. I think I worry too much about what they and their parents think about my parenting and lack of control over my children, or I start to think that my kids really are THAT bad and the neighbor kids haven't done anything to provoke them. So last summer my kids spent a lot of time inside, making me even more nutty and unstable. It was ugly. I mean I had a total breakdown in front of my neighbor, Beth, who was so kind and gracious towards me, but now I can't stop myself from thinking "She thinks I am a total nutcase" every time I see her.
Then, if you are from Michigan, you know we had this totally beautiful and sunny week last week followed by a less than stellar weekend. My kids had such a great time being outside and the extra Vitamin D did good things for me too. Then for almost 2 days we were all kind of stuck inside and it was dreary and blah. Now the sun is out again, but all the changing and adjusting to being out and staying in seems to have messed with me and my oldest. I love that boy with my whole heart, but I do not understand how his mind works. Sometimes I think that disobeying and pushing limits is what makes him tick. The past two days I have hollered so much I've given myself a headache. I've started feeling that despair and darkness creeping back in. I've said things I wish I could take back and I am sure that my mean mommy face has been out more than was necessary. I felt like we had come so far, but then I wrecked it all forgetting that I am the adult and that I need to remain in control. Poor kid.
Ugh. I know the battle isn't over yet, but sometimes I think "why am I even trying??". I don't like those times.