My mom is coming tomorrow night. I am so excited to see her and spend lots of time drinking coffee, eating cookies, reading, and just being together. She really couldn't be coming at a better time. I have been in a real funk the last few days, and I am hoping my mom being here will help get me out of it. I am sure she will tell me to "snap out of it" and "get moving", but she'll also hug me and tell me she loves me and that God has all of this stuff in His control.
Right now I just feel like there is a lot of "stuff" that is kind of starting to weigh me down. We've had a few house showings, but no offers. I am already sick of keeping the house clean and cannot for the life of me figure out how our house seems to be filling up after we just had a huge moving sale. I feel like I am constantly finding new things laying around the house and it is starting to stress me out. I do not like living in our house right now. I feel like we can't just be. I am always watching the kids to make sure they don't scuff the walls. I try to keep them out of the basement because Darin patched up the dings and scratches down there and I don't want them to make new marks. I don't ever really feel relaxed. I am trying to remain positive about our house selling, but am starting to feel a lot of dread, fear and worry pulling me down. What if it doesn't sell? What if we can't get what we really do need to get out of it?
Then there's the whole moving to South Africa thing. We have no set date for when this will be happening. It could be spring, it could be summer. Who knows! It just won't be January, which is kind of nice on the one hand because that is only 3 months away, but now the whole moving thing is starting to seem more like a fantasy than a reality. We have no control over the business side of things in SA. We cannot make any plans. When our kids ask us about when we'll move or if we'll be here for their birthdays, we don't have any answer to give them. Sometimes I am not even sure I want to move. I start to think it is all a game and I can just decide to stay right here. I am just struggling to see moving to South Africa as something that is really going to be happening. I don't even really like talking to people about it because I don't even know what to say! We don't know where we are going to live, when the business will be up and running, what the business will be like, when we're moving-NOTHING.
We are trying to sort some stuff out about our sweet boy. I am sure I'll write about it at some point, but right now I can't really find the right words to say.
I feel like Darin and I are on different planets sometimes. I have all these feelings, emotions, questions, doubts, worries, ideas, plans... and he is just not there with me. I am guessing that I am kind of a mystery to him as well right now.
Our precious preschooler is showing some major 4 year old attitude. She is also big into baby talk right now. So I don't really know which Jori I'll be dealing with from one moment to the next, past Jori (the baby), present Jori (at 4 years old) or future Jori (a catty teenager) and it all makes me feel a whole lot of crazy.
I am also reading a lot of books about apartheid in South Africa and that kind of makes me feel heavy all over.
Please God, bring my mom here safely. I need her.