Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Up and Down, Up and Down

I feel like I am on a roller coaster these days. Life is good, even great for a while. I feel happy, at peace, ready for what the future holds and then BAM! Just like that I am down again. For the past couple days I've felt things shifting and sensed that the downward spiral was about to begin. Today I am feeling it in full. I have a pretty good hunch that my mood swings are tied to the calendar, and not for the reason you are probably thinking. This has less to do with my cycle and more to do with the dates on the calendar. Today is March 9. In two days it will be the 11th, which means that we will have exactly 3 months left here in the states. My mind has latched on to that fact and can't seem to let go of it.

It probably doesn't help that I decided to sort through our spare room today. Darin's mom is coming in a couple weeks and then the week after that we are heading out to Minnesota to spend time with the whole family, so I really need to make some final decisions about what we want to store and what we'll be getting rid of. This afternoon I was sorting through a box of stuff I've been saving for the kids-pictures, baby books, progress reports from school, papers and projects, special toys... It just made me sad. So I moved on to another box of stuff and that made me sad too.

I feel like I am on this tightrope, trying to balance the excitement of going with the heartache of leaving. It is exciting to be moving to South Africa (just ask anyone!). Yesterday Jori and I looked through pictures from 2008 and I felt myself wanting to be back there, with the people we met and the new things we saw and did. I remembered why Darin and I wanted to go back in the first place. Then Jori says "I miss our old house. I miss how it smells and I miss my room" and my heart aches and I want to have our old life back. I don't want to be that person that is moving in three months. I want to be signing Jori up for kindergarten and figuring out which Vacation Bible Schools the kids can go to, and volunteering to help at Arts Camp with my friends.

I am hoping that once the 11th comes and goes, things will be on the upswing and these sad feelings will go away for a few weeks. I guess I'll soon find out!

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