...it's where I am at and where I plan on staying for as long as possible. Maybe it isn't healthy, but I don't think I am ready for reality yet. Reality means having to say good-bye to my friends and family. Reality means no more play dates for Jori and JJ, no more Cadets for Tyson, no more house on Elm Avenue with our path, pond and backyard ice cream shop. Reality means having to actually try and grasp what it means that we are moving overseas LONG TERM. We don't know how long this will be, but we assume it will be at least 5 years. Reality means I can't call my mother-in-law in the middle of preparing my first whole chicken to get her advice. It means I can't just call my mom to tell her Jori thinks describing my hair as a sand hill is a major compliment. Reality means I can't stop in to see Rachel before I get Jori from school and I've already touched on how much I am going to miss Rachel. Reality means no more phone calls between 9 and 9:30 from my sister Laurie as she drives to work in a time zone 3 hours earlier than where I am. Reality means no more Wednesday morning Bible Study with a group of women that I have come to love and respect over the past 3+ years that we've been meeting together.
This afternoon, reality tried to slip in, but I quickly shut it out. Rachel called to see if we would be available to do something on March 23, 2011, and the reality is that I can't commit that far out. I don't know where we'll be at that time. Reality creeps in when I think about wanting to go see my friend Tami in California and realize that I can't keep "thinking about it" and need to get a ticket or time might run out! That's the kind of stinky part of our reality right now-we don't really know when any of this is going to happen. In my mind, we are now going to be here til May or June (even though we still say March or April), so if things happen to go a lot faster than that, I am in big trouble! I am not ready to switch gears from denial to reality. It makes me sad. Really sad. Even when little bits of reality sneak in, it impacts me for a few days. I cry during TV shows and commercials. I try to share sweet things that the kids said and my voice gets all choked up.
I find it easy to get down on myself, especially when I hear about the realities that a lot of other people are facing-death, disease, all kind of loss. When I hear about these kinds of realities, I feel guilty for being sad about something that we have chosen to do. I am trying to work on that, as I do believe that I am allowed to grieve and hurt and feel sad, I just have a lot of mental conversations with myself about needing to suck it up and deal-then I go lay on my bed and have a good cry.
So, at least for the next couple months, I am planning to stay in denial as much as I can. I know I'll have to face reality this Christmas when I see my family for what could be the last time in a couple years. I don't look forward to the sadness, but I also don't want to miss out on letting them know how much I love them and saying whatever needs to be said. Ugh. Now this is making me cry, so I am going to step back and embrace denial again for a while, while still being thankful that I have such a great reality to miss!